Quote for the Day

For God sake - Let's Admit it - We all hope and wish that our exes have horrible lives without us.

My doctor is wonderful. Once when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.
- Joey Bishop



School Faces- Monday :( Tuesday :/ Wednesday :| Thursday :) Friday :D Saturday ^.^ Sunday -_-

Feel my shirt, do you know what material this is? It�s boyfriend material.

Me: What are you doing tonight? Friend: Oh, you know just hitten up the clubs. Me: Oh, nice what club? Friend: Club penguin...

With random people, I'm shy. With my friends, I'm crazy.

I wish pretending to listen to people's boring stories burned more calories.

Hearing noises when you're home alone and just accepting the fact that you're going to die.

That gangsta feeling when you rap your favorite song without messing up.

Some people just need a pat. On the head. With a hammer.

Reasons why kids hate school : 1) Waking up early. 2) Annoying teachers. 3) Homework. 4) It's not Hogwarts.

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Funny 'KARMA' Quotes

We can not escape from the hit of karma. We get what we reap. Here are some hilarious funny quotes about 'Karma'.



When karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there...just in case it needs help.

It�s a thankless job, but I�ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

I want to be there when karma beats your behind with cactus.

Why does it seem karma bites are so small in comparison?

Karma is a female, sometimes she waits a while but when she's ready she gets you.

Remember don't be a jerk to someone if you don't know anything about them because karma is expert in giving pain.

I love karma and her weird and wonderful ways.

It's just one tragedy after another. You don't know if you are burning off some bad karma from a prior life or died and went to hell.

Dear karma, I have a list of the people you missed.



Karma takes too long, so I'm just gonna beat the crap out of you now.

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Funny Wake Up Quotes

'Start your day with Enjoyful funny wake up quotes because it's morning now.'

"Girl you stank, take a bath!"

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman�s voice said, �What the hell are you doing with your life?�
- Demetri Martin

Death is the final wake-up call.
- Douglas Horton

Wake up every morning with the thought that something wonderful is about to happen

Time to wake u... 5 minutes more please.

One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.

�I've risen from the dead. Though sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I feel like I've died. I swear I'm aging in dog years. But no, I'm not dead. It's funny how stuff like that gets started.�
- Tony Stewart

Good morning!" he said at last.
"We don't want any adventures here, thank you!
You might try over The Hill or across The Water."
- J. R. R. Tolkien

The way you start your day can affect your whole day� Begin it with a smile, calmness of mind, coolness of emotions and a heart filled with gratitude. Good Morning

3 steps to have a great morning, open your eyes, take a deep breath and go back to sleep. Good Morning :)

Bad Attitude is like a flat tyre. You cannot reach anywhere until you change it. Good Morning.

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Funny Quotes on Teenagers

'Teenage is the age of fun, travel, party, affairs, learning, bunks and having lots of gossips with friends. We're sure you'd enjoy these funny quotes about teenagers.'


Party hard, make mistakes, laugh endlessly. Do things you�re afraid to do. After all, you�re only young once.

Whatever.. Sleep less or more! Always feel tired and in need of more sleep.

Home is a place where teenagers go to refuel.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They�ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
- Rita Rudner

Imagination is something that sits up with dad and mom the first time their teenager stays out late.

When you're a teenager, 'No' is a complete sentence.

A teenager is always too tired to hold a dishcloth, but never too tired to hold a phone.


Think positive | Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: Goodbye teacher!

As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition too.

Dear restroom, you aren't just a bathroom. You are a place to talk, cry, gossip and escape from my class. Sincerely, teenagers.

Don't bother discussing sex with teenagers, they'll just laugh at how little you know.

Teenage girls are too caught up in being with a guy who's the best for everyone else and not the best for themselves.

Everyone does conversation in the study but why the teacher only hears my voice?

The difference between the teenager and the parent is that the teenager still has the faults the parent outgrew.

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

My teens:- In a bedroom: a versatile singer... In the shower: super pop-star.

Teenager with nose ring, baggy clothing and spiked hair to friend: I don't really like dressing like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere they go.

There is always someone whose laugh is funnier than the punch itself!

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Hilarious Food Quotes

'The uncontrollable love for food forced authors to write quotes about it. So here are funny food quotes to enjoy the craze for it.'


There is no love sincerer than the love of food. - George Bernard Shaw

You better cut the pizza in four pieces, because I�m not hungry enough to eat six.
- Yogi Berra

Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be engaged in lightly.
- M.F.K. Fisher

Music with dinner is an insult to both the cook and the violinist.
- G.K. Chesterton

I went into McDonald�s yesterday and said, �I�d like some fries.� And the girl behind the counter says, �Would you like fries with that?�
- Jay Leno

I eat merely to put food out of my mind.
- N.F. Simpson

The best way to lose weight is to close your mouth - something very difficult for a politician. Or watch your food - just watch it, don't eat it.
- Edward Koch

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food-frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food!
- W.C. Fields


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize: Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner.
- Lynda Montgomery

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.
- Tom Wilson

When I get a little money, I buy books. And if there is any left over, I buy food.
- Desiderius Erasmus

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Nutty Quotes

'Adopt the new trend of humor with Nutty and hilarious Quotes to have the instant refreshment.'

1. A good sermon should be like a woman�s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.
~ Ronald Knox

2. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

3. Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?

4. A paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

5. Life is like a roller coaster, and I'm about to throw up.

6.

7. Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.

8. lI work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

9. You were looking good from afar.. now you're far from looking good.

10. The two most beautiful words in the English language are �check enclosed.�

11. Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
- Will Rogers

12. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

13. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

14. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

15. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

16. If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd be absolutely stupid.

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99+ All Time Most Funniest Quotes

Well said quotes click on the mind and inspire but when, at the same time, they are funny too, they work like a booster.

So for the all those surfers who look for entertainment (well all), these 99 funniest, spicy, juicy and hilarious funny quotes can really prove good help when they scroll on.

0. Being Lazy and getting award

If there was an award for laziness... I'd probably send someone to pick it up for me.

1. Think Negative

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
~Jerry Seinfeld

2. Someone Needs You? Naaaaah..

When I'm available no one texts me. But when I'm busy... BAM! ... still no one texts me.

3. How they Named?

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

4. When Laughter becomes Uncontrollable

That awkward moment when you want to laugh but it's completely inappropriate.

5. Defining Comedy

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

6. Comment Review

"No comment" is a comment



7. Rules of Success

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

8. Try to Be Bad

I heard that you like bad boys. At wall-mart, I enter through the exit doors.



9. Who cares

Don�t like me? Aw cute, how you thought I cared!

10. Toilet talk

What did one toilet say to another? You look flushed.

11. Formula of Becoming Billionaire

I can be a billionaire if I get success in inventing that formula that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet.

12. Being Cheater

Don't forget my name because, later, you'll need it while screaming.

13. Thinking You're Funny

That weird moment when you realize that you were the only person who thought your punch was funny.

14. Affording Ability

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

15. Misunderstanding

Sorry if I looked interested. I�m not.

16. My Unique Handwriting

They say your handwriting is horrible but they don't understand my creativity. I have invented my unique font style.

17. Yes, Today It is True

Today's Reality:- Big house, Small Family. More Degrees, Less Common sense. Advanced Medicines, Poor Health. Reached Moon, Neighbor Unknown. High income, Less Peace of Mind. High IQ, Less Emotions. Good knowledge, Less Wisdom. Lots on friend on social networking sites, No best fast friend. Increasing population, Less Humanity. Costly Watches, No Time!

18. Studying, Cheating and Repeating

Miss: Do study hard and never cheat. Because It is better to fail than to cheat! Kid: Sorry miss but our philosophy is different. We believe that it is best to cheat than to repeat.

19. Guess and Hope

Confusing moment when you can't hear someone, you just laugh and hope it wasn't a question.

20. Messy Room, Ha Ha

My cousin: How Horrible! Your room is so messed up? Me: This little mess up making you so uncomfortable - Thank God, you have not seen my life yet.

21. Writing Competition

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

22. Giant's Gossip

Search engines: We have everything. Social networks: We know everybody. Connectivity: Without us you guys are nothing. Electricity: How funny!(ROFL)

23. Don't Bother

Oh lots of shits happen. So just flush and move on. (Laughing Really Loud)

24. Reminding of you

Today morning, I saw a piece of shit on the ground and it instantly reminded me of you.

25. That Irritating Friend

Everyone has that friend who borrows your stuff and keeps it as long as borrow it back. (Youngsters most-liked funny quote)

26. Ready to Die

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die.

27. Don't Interfere

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man�s nose begins.

28. Don't Pressure me

Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

29. About Ignorance

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

30. Almost Done

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

31. Doing Nothing is Possible

Who says nothing is impossible.. I've been doing nothing for years!

32. Not Locking Bathroom Door

That awkward moment when you forget to lock your bathroom door and someone opens and finds you..

33. Dating My Ex?

So you're having dates with my ex? Good. See I am eating in a restaurant, do you want some leftovers too?

34. Jumping Around At School

I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

35. Worst is Yet to Come

If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week.

36. Good Health

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

37. Admiring Your Ugliness

Why are you staring. Nope, I am just admiring how absolutely unattractive you are.

38. In Boxer Only

The awkward moment when you come out from your bathroom in boxer only and your sister's friend stares at you.

39. Not Funny at All

That embarrassing moment when you show someone something really funny and they don�t think it�s funny at all.

40. Death and Statics

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

41. On My Birthday

They hug me, post on wall and treat me like a king/queen on that day. I miss that that one-day popularity on rest of all 364 days. My Birthday. :-(

42. My Imaginations

I think I have some super powers, but just don't know how to activate them?

43. Romance with Cousin

She has stolen my boyfriend's number from my mobile. She is unbelievable. Ha ha ~ Now she is sending romantic texts to her cousin brother.

44. Very Careless Boyfriend

She left me. Why? She said I don't pay any attention to her or something like that, I wasn't really listening.

45. Mosquitoes and Blood

Him: Why there are different types of blood group? Me: Because our dear mosquitoes love variety of flavors.

46. My Tricks

The trick behind my messy room is if someone attempts to harm me he'll trip over and will be caught instantly.

47. Ground Hates

For heaven's sake, keep your head held high because even ground hates to see your face.

48. Being Awesome

When you are good, you are good, when you are awesome you are me.

49. Caps Lock Off

Funniest question ever seen - 'How Do I Turn Off Caps Lock?'

50. Right Brain Left Brain

After starting Engineering - I really like my brain.- Which is divided into 2 parts. Right & Left. In Right nothing is Left and in Left nothing is Right!

51. My Ideas

I hate when others steal my Idea.. Before I think of them.

52. Dreaming a Better Tomorrow

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

53. Marriage - A Trap

Very tough to live life without marriage but after marriage life becomes tougher.

54. My Food Love

You have no idea how happy I get when the microwave beeps and my food is ready. Lmao

55. Monday Stress

Murder should be legal on Mondays.

56. Unavailable Lifestyle

Sorry - The lifestyle you ordered is currently out of stock!

57. Your Parent's Mistake

When I see you - I get angry with your parents for not using precautions.

58. Standing with Dashing Friend

That hateful moment when your friends look so good and you're just standing besides them, feeling so restless.

59. On Television

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

60. Laughter Com out From Hips

If you suppress your laughter It goes back down to your hips.

61. Too Young

Dear doll, You're 13. Go and blow bubbles.. not boys.

62. Your Importance

You're as meaningful as the 'P' in psycho. (Rolling On Laughing Floor)

63. Changing Answers

That scary moment when you change the answer on test and realize the original answer was right.

64. Your Existence

The only problem with you is that you exist.

65. Under 30

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

66. Worst Date

On date: Fuel: $50 Movie and Burger: $50 Lunch: $30 Entertainment: $50 Room Rent: $200. And the reaction on his face when she reveals she's on her 2nd day.. Speechless!

67. Don't Love me

Don't fall in love me because I can't wake up every day to please you.

68. No More Good Days

Forget about "happily ever after". Nowadays it doesn't exist.

69. On Valentine's Day

I can already smell all the roses I'm not going to receive on Valentine�s day. :-)

70. Like Rest

The reason I fell for you so hard, was that you're not like the rest.

71. Error in Typing

You always remove entire words If you feel You might have mistyped one letter.

72. Continue Laughing

Got hit your head accidentally on something and continue laughing hard.

73. Laughing Alone

That strange moment when you are the only one laughing in the movie.

74. Nothing to Say

Why do people write LOL, when they have nothing else to say.

75. Realizing You are wrong

Confusing moment when you're having an argument with someone and halfway through you realize you're wrong.

76. Making Mistakes again and Again

Hey listen - I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like ten or twenty times, you know, just to be sure.

77. For You I Hate

I dedicate 3 words, 8 letters to you. Go to hell.

78. Getting Drunk

I just wanna get drunk to make bad decisions with you.

79.Mobile is Missing

It makes your heart beat faster when you Check your right pocket and find that your phone is not there.

80. Shut Up Please

I want top play that shut up game with you. You go first.

81. Why The Hell They Live

The problem with some people is that they are breathing.

82. Chap and Hard

You often buy cheaper phones because they are harder to break.

83. Checking Something

I don't stalk - I observe.

84. Relationship's Life

Relationships nowadays: First week: I love you honey. Second week: Together forever. Third week: Single and In search.

85. Sing of Over drunk

You know you are drunk when your cat barks.

86. Always Hungry

I'm so hungry. Didn't you just eat? Yeah, so?

87. For Singles

Singles always love to mingle.

88. When They Ignore You

I love when they ignore me.. It really makes me feel so special.

89. Hating Morning

I don�t like morning people... or mornings... or people.

90. Flirty Girls

The girl who looks so simple and sweet is the girl who has 4 boyfriends.

91. Not liking someone but still you have to be nice

I really feel helpless when I have to be nice to someone I really want to throw a brick at.

92. Disliking You

I really dislike you from the bottom of my heart.

93. Insulting them

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

94. SO Confused

That awkward moment when you can't decide if you're sad or mad.

95. Being Lazy

You tend to say 'I don't know' when you just too lazy to think.

96. Looking Suspiciously

Why do they look at me with suspicious eyes when I get good marks on a test.

97. My Capabilities

I may look nice to you but don't underestimate me. You have no idea what I'm capable of.

98. Girls Behavior

Girls hate each other for no reason.

99. Ignoring Someone

"Call you later" simply means "Stop talking to me".

100. One Bad Person

There is always one person in everyone's life who ruins their whole entire day or week or year.

101. Annoy Me

Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.

102. Note On Beauty Parlor

Note written at wall of beauty parlor "Do not whistle at the girl going out from here because she might be your grand mom.

I am really very good, nice and silent while sleeping.

Their thumb automatically dance when they don�t know how to answer anything.

Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in.

Don't stop your laughter because here is lot more to continue having smile with funny quotes for enjoyment.

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31 Funny 'KNOCKED UP' Quotes

We have collected 31 most funniest 'Knocked up' quotes from to make you laugh again. It successfully entertained the people and rated as number one in comedy genre. Let us know your reaction by leaving your sweet comments.

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1.
Debbie: [to Alison] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?

2.
Ben Stone: [to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...
Alison Scott: Okay, just stop talking.


3.
Jonah: I'm going to murderball you!

4.
Pete: Just don't ask me to lend you any money.
Ben Stone: Can I just - have some?

5.
Jason: She looks really... smart.

6.
Alison Scott: [to Debbie] What do you think? He's funny, right?
Ben Stone: [to Debbie's kids] Fetch!
Debbie: [to Alison] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.

7.
Jonah: Hey Crocket, how's Tubbs doing?
Martin: Oh, another beard joke?
Jonah: How did it feel changing your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?
Martin: It was really awkward.
Jonah: See ya... Scorcese on coke.

8.
Alison Scott: I was drunk!
Ben Stone: Was your vagina drunk?

9.
Ben's Dad: If it grows from the ground, it's probably okay.

10.
Pete: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.

11.
Debbie: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.

12.
Ben's Dad: Life doesn't care about your vision. You just gotta roll with it.

13.
Pete: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.

14.
Young Doctor: How long you kids been married?
Ben Stone: We're not married.
Young Doctor: Are you single?
Ben Stone: She's not single, she's just not married.
Young Doctor: Are you two together?

15.
Jason: You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.

16.
Pete: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.

17.
Dr. Pellagrino: [after staring at Allison's vagina for the gynecology appointment] Wow, you do look like your sister!

18.
Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

19.
Debbie: [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and f each other.
Pete: Who needs a time machine?

20.
Debbie: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?
Pete: I went to the movies.
Debbie: With who?
Pete: By myself.
Debbie: What'd you see?
Pete: Spider-Man 3.
Debbie: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?
Pete: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.
Debbie: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
[Debbie holds back tears]
Debbie: You're not the only one.
Pete: It's not that big of a deal.
Debbie: I like Spider-Man.
Pete: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
Debbie: I don't want to go see it now.
Pete: Well...
Debbie: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own.
Pete: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?
Debbie: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.
Pete: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just...
Debbie: No, you're not. You're lying.
Pete: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.
Debbie: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?
Pete: Come on.

21.
Ben Stone: What time is it?
Alison Scott: 7:30
Ben Stone: Why the f are we awake? Let's go back to sleep.
Alison Scott: I have to go to work.
Ben Stone: Really?
Alison Scott: Uh, do you need to... get to work or anything?
Ben Stone: No, I'm uh... no work today hahahaha.

22.
Jonah: Tell him not to jerk off with a noose around his neck - it's dangerous.

23.
Ben Stone: I live in your phone!

24.
Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.
Ben Stone: Pregnant... with emotion?
Alison Scott: Pregnant with a baby.

25.
[Alison's friends see she's pregnant]
Ben Stone: You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.

26.
Ben Stone: Oh yeah... It's a girl. Buy some pink shit!

27.
Jodi: [to Allison] You wanna trade boyfriends? Ha. Just kidding. Kind of.

28.
Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?
Ben's Dad: Yes.
Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for YOU...


29.
Jay: [to Martin] That's the fun; you're supposed to be tempted into shaving.

30
Jason: Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning.

31
Jonah: Dude, I didn't go to Yale to work 24 hours a day.
Jason: Dude, you went to a city college.
Jonah: I went where I went, alright?

Further read some good Book Quotes for having knowledgeable time.

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When I die

When I die I give my friend permission to go on my Twitter/Facebook to mess people mind says 'I'm alive'

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Mini heart attack

That mini heart attack you get when your parents say : "We need to talk."

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Funny Kids Quotes

'Kids are wonderful creature of God. They are so pure and innocent. Here you can read funny kids quotes and saying to get amused.'

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No mom, I wasn't 'kissing' him, he stole my gum, I was just trying to get it back.



Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Dear Teacher, I talk to everyone. So moving my seat won't help.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Life is hard no matter how old you are.

You shouldn't expect your turtle to come back if you put him in a stream.

Dirty looks,
jealous stares,
its funny,
when you think I care.

You should never laugh at your dad if he's mad or screaming at you.

No matter how much I love something, mom will throw it away without a second's thought.

You shouldn't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Love is like a new diaper
for a while it feels good and fresh
but eventually it really stinks!

It's not always easy being a kid, but I bet it's even harder being an adult.

You should never tell your parents when you're curious about girls because many lectures will come in the future.

If you put a frog in a girl's desk, you're going to hear some screaming.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

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Never argue

Never argue with a Fool.. People might not know the difference.

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Slap someone

If you really, really want to slap someone, Do it. Just make sure to say �Mosquito� when you do.

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Hospitality: making your guests feel like they�re at home, even if you wish they were.

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One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells and both think they are astute. - William Feather

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If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. - Mahatma Gandhi

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I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

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The best way to lie is to tell the truth, Carefully edited truth..

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Apple: I look like a human heart. Mango: I look like a stomach. Grapes: I look like eyes. Banana: I don't like this game..

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I have the kick-ass ability to forget people's names in .001 seconds.

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No, I'm not being immature, I'm having fun. You should try it

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I hate when I finish an awesome movie and after that I have to face the reality of my boring life

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When Life gives you Lemons. Squeeze them in people's eyes.

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Rules of Math.. If it seems easy. You are doing it Wrong

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Yawning is like your body's way of saying 18% battery left

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Shortest Jokes

Technology is changing so our reading-style too. We want everything slimmer, short and easier than before. Well, that's good because no one has enough time read such long stuff. Things should be easy and less time consuming. So now we've done some manipulation in our joking style too. After writing Jokes, we are now trying to write some shortest possible jokes ever. Now you can very easily read, use, recall and share them.

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1. I often stuck-up in situation where I'm left alone with someone I just met.

2. Woman driving and man in the kitchen means a big mess!

3. My girlfriend in shape... just the wrong one.

4. If you want to impress me with technology, first do something to make my phone charges automatically.

5. There is always that one person around who takes a few minutes to get the joke.

6. Fatty girl: I would love to lose weight, but you know, I hate losing!

7. I need you. I want you. I love you... Dear Food!

8. D.R.A.M.A. means Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.

9. Why should I fall in love when I can fall asleep?

10. Sometime you've to do that fake laugh when an old man tells a bad joke.

11. Girls, you're 13. You should be losing teeth, not your virginity.

12. Roses are red, Grass is greener, I think of you when I touch my wiener.

13. Cool story bro, You should tell it to someone else.

14. I am not saying you are fat girl, I am just saying if I were to lift 4 fattest girls I know you'd be 3 of them.

15. Once a short height man gets over emotional while watching a movie and than he committed suicide. The name of the movie was 'Honey I shrunk the kids!'

16. I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to be avoid, others I'd love to punch in the face!

17. Can a boy and girl be just friends? Only if girl is ugly.

18. Oh, money can't buy you happiness? Well, so does poverty can buy you anything?

19. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.

20. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

21. A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

22. He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

23. The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

24. Don't be so humble--you are not that great.

25. You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution.

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Outstanding Funny Quotes By Leading Authors

'Here's the Funny, Joyous and Gut-Buster collection of hilarious Quotes and saying by leading authors and top flicks.'

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
� George Burns

The trouble with censor that they they worry if a girl has cleavage. They ought to worry if she hasn't any.
- Marilyn Monroe

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.
� Will Rogers

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
� Mark Twain

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.
� Jimmy Durante

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
� Mae West



Sonja: Oh don�t, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.
Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it�s one of the best.
� Love and Death

When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools.
� William Shakespeare

The next time you have a thought� let it go.
� Ron White

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
� Mark Twain

There are times not to flirt. When you�re sick. When you�re with children. When you�re on the witness stand.
� Joyce Jillson

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I�m awake, you know?
� Ernest Hemingway

If Your boyfriend wants you for your breast, thighs and legs, send him to KFC. You�re a lady, not a cheap value meal.
� Wiz Khalifa

I�ll die young, but it�s like kissing God.
� Lenny Bruce

Kara Monahan: My closest relationship is with my Blackberry, Thank God it vibrates!
� Valentine�s Day

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
� Mae West

My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.
� Winston Churchill

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.
� Steve Martin

It�s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
� Tallulah Bankhead

Every time I go and shave, I assume there�s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, �I�m gonna go shave, too.�
� Mitch Hedberg

Countess Alexandrovna: You�re disgusting, but I love you.
Boris: Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.
� Love and Death

Humor is something that thrives between man�s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.
� Victor Borge

I only have �yes� men around me. Who needs �no� men?
� Mae West

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.
� Oscar Wilde

From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!
� Dr. Seuss

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.
� Oscar Wilde

Without fools the rest of us could not succeed.
� Mark Twain

he brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
� Robert Frost

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.
� Steve Martin

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
� Mark Twain

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I�ve done it a thousand times.
� Mark Twain

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
� Robert Frost

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
� Mark Twain

No, I�m just a very naughty boy. I do all sorts of bad things. I kick kittens. I make rude gestures at nuns.
� Cassandra Clare

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12 Playful Excuses for Being Late

'Some people are too good at giving excuses while others are so dumb that they get caught in a second. Read here list of those playful excuses.'

1. I got in a fight with my wife. After that fight, she decided to get revenge by burning all of your clothes and I certainly can't come to work naked.

2. You didn't call to wake me up.



3. My dog died and I had to take him to the vet to get cremated.

4. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.�

5. I was losing my mind this morning. It took me a half hour to find it.�

6. I was up all night arguing with God.�

7. I couldn't find my clothes.�

8. Someone was following me, and I drove all around town trying to lose them.�

9. I wasn�t thinking and accidentally went to my old job.�

10. My husband/wife likes playing with me and hides my car keys every morning!

11. I won't be coming in to work today. My wife informed me that she is going to conceive today, and I really want to be there when it happens.

12. Nowadays government is insisting us to be environment=friendly people, so I skipped work in order to save the environment: one less car on the road makes a difference.

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Clever 1 liners to attract her

'Guys often use lots of techniques to impress girls but they don't say right thing at right time. So if you too want to attract her than here are clever one liners to attract and impress her.'

1. I've observed that you always like to have less sugar in tea.

2. Your style of responding is so good. I like your attentiveness.

3. I am noticing from the start about your elegant style and impressive dressing sense. Are your family is related to fashion industry or something?

4. Whatever you're saying - Say it with confident and proper eye contact with a little smile on your face.

5. Your smile is unique.

6. You are looking more gorgeous than yesterday.

7. I'm not the best-looking guy here but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. Thanks God You're not engaged yet!

9. Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there�s nothing else like you!

10. I am not the best for you but I'll try my best to do the best for you.

11. For you, I'm always ready to do anything..

12. Do you like my hair style?

13. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

14. I remember everything you say and I save each of your text.

15. Did you ever look at someone and just wonder 'Wow, let me take off your pants"?

16. Make yourself at home� clean my kitchen.

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Fifteen Funny Quotes For Day To Day Life

'15 Hilarious Funny Life Quotes to have enjoyment, laughter and fun in day to day life. Amusing quote i.e. Sometimes I Laugh so hard that I feel like six pack is coming on.'

• If I die today, for the love of God, someone please clear my browser history.
• I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
• 
• I trust my dog to guard home but never when it comes to pizza.
• Admit it.. You've Googled yourself.
• Mae were born between a woman's leg and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in them There is not place like home.
• Farts: The screams of trapped poop.
• That awkward moment when a teacher tries to be funny.
• Vodka mixes well everything, except decisions.
• Sometimes I Laugh so hard that I feel like six pack is coming on.
• I am not a slow person. I just have a speed limit.
• No matters how old you are, when ketchup bottle farts, It's funny.
• Forgetting to remove you contact lenses and waking up the next morning thinking your blindness was cured.
• I wish I could forgot you like i forget everything I studied right before exams.
• I am actually not funny. I am actually really mean and people just think I am joking.
• I was born a week early, so I have been running late ever since to make up for it.
  

#. Don't smoke cigarettes there are cooler ways to die.

#. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

#. Excuse me, I found your nose. It was in my business.... again.

#. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes!

#. Maybe I�ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I�ll feel better.

#. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

#. My Reality Check bounced.

#. My life�s really not so awful�it just seems that way when I�m awake.

#. Never trust a person who isn�t having at least one crisis.

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Alluring love quotes For Her to make her chase you

'What girls want? Just someone who can appreciate their dressing-sense, praise their beauty and love them unconditionally, so here are rare and specially chosen alluring love quotes for her to magnetize and hypnotize her.'



That one person who can make you smile and laugh no matter what, even on your worst days.


Do you work for NASA? Cause honey, you're out of this world..

I love you and these 3 words contain everything.



My girl should rather have beauty than brain, because I can see better than I can think.

I was blinded by your beauty, so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

There isn't a word in the dictionary for how beautiful you look.

Forget about the past, it's done. Make yourself a brighter future by focusing on the present.

I want to be the only hand you ever need to hold.

A girl is happiest when she knows that you make her your everything. In front of everyone, every time.

You don�t need someone who can complete you, You need someone who can accept you completely.

I can�t lose you. Because if I ever did, I�d have lost my best friend, my soul mate, my smile, my laugh, my everything.

Save your heart for someone who really cares.

You have no idea how much I like you, how much you make me smile, how much I love talking to you or how much I wish you were mine.

There's somebody that's meant for you. There's somebody out there that's perfect for you.

By the way, I'm wearing the smile you gave me.

I fell in love with you, I don't know how, I don't know when, I don't know where but I did.

Most relationships fail not because of absence of love, but because girls love too much and boys love too many.

I always imagine my world with you so come and make it live.

I still remember all the promises you made.

I am working hard not for position but for you.

Hug me. This is my life.

Why can't you come with me, tight now. I just need you.

You live in my hart and I care for you like I never cared for anyone else.

I can walk with you , saying nothing and feeling the ultimate time of my life.

When we talk, I find myself missing in your eyes.

Can we continue loving as we used to?

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Realistic Friendship Quotes

'Share and enjoy these most realistic friendship quotes to spend good and funny times with them. They gonna make your bonding more stronger. You must dedicate some of these so that your friends could know how much you value them. Freedom, enjoyment, love, care and Express as you want - this is what happens here in this relation.'

Here we go:

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."
- Henry Ford
This friendship quote lime lights the real quality of a good friend. The people who really care about you always want that you achieve highest level of success. They really know what your qualities are and help you in awaking them. And if you find just one person like that.. you are through!

"He's my friend that speaks well of me behind my back."
- Thomas Fuller
Everyone appraise you on your face but only true people say good words about you when you are there. True friends can never tolerate any bad word against you. They always appreciate you even in your absence. So find out those noble people and hold them tightly.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C.S. Lewis
You go somewhere, do the things you like. But when you notice that someone else is also doing the same things you like, you find them interesting. Same interests attract, It is but natural. So you go and ask: 'Hey you too like that'? That is where first step of friendship starts. So never miss a chance to introduce yourself.

"I don't even need to insult you. Your face speaks for itself."

"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat." - Erma Bombeck

"Best Friends.. They know how crazy you are and still choose to be you in Public."


"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate
- Charles Dickens"


"How do I look? Friend: Fine. Good Friend: Really Perfect. Best Friend: You look so strange! Lol"

"Lord if I can't be skinny, Make my friends look fat."

"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."
- Aristotle

"Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
- Muhammad Ali

"She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind."
- Toni Morrison

"Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts."
- Margaret Lee Runbeck



"To cement a new friendship, especially between foreigners or persons of a different social world, a spark with which both were secretly charged must fly from person to person, and cut across the accidents of place and time."
- Cornelia Otis Skinner

"Friendship's the privilege of private men; for wretched greatness knows no blessing so substantial."
- Nahum Tate

"I think in friendship, you want to be there for your friend, and sometimes you just don't know what to do or the relationship you have with them is not clear enough for you to know what to do."
- Marion Cotillard

"One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim."
- Henry Adams

"The rule of friendship means there should be mutual sympathy between them, each supplying what the other lacks and trying to benefit the other, always using friendly and sincere words."
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

"Everyone has that one friend who you greet with an insult."

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F For Funny LOL

'Enjoy with funny, iconic, latest, sweet and never shared before quotes with images.'

I heard you are a player. Nice to meet you. I am the Coach.


Everyday I make promise I'll go to bed early. Every night I break.


When I wake up in the morning and stretch, I make baby dinosaur noises.


That one friends you have that always says "I'm never drinking again" after party.


What doesn't kill you makes you smaller.


That awkward moment when someone is staring at you and you laughing at same time.


Best joke ever: My love life.


Girls are most talented creature on earth. Because they listen half, understand quarter but explain it double.


I told myself I wouldn't give one dash today... so far so good!


Can you do me a favor? Stand in front of my car. I need to test my breaks.


A quiet man is thinking man. A quite woman is usually mad.

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